Tears and Fears
by nyu012
Summary: It's a Carby.. By yours truely ..me.. basically around the time Abby got her letter from Carter. Rated for language.. Read and Review.. enjoy.
1. Wishes and Wine

She woke up. She was sweating… she hadn't been able to sleep much the past few weeks since he'd left. His key was on her nightstand. She couldn't bring herself to believe he was gone.

Her shift started in an hour and a half… to little time to go back to sleep. She couldn't anyways… she decided to get up and make some coffee. 

Her mind wandered… everything was going so well. She was really in love… what had happened? Was this not the man who wanted to marry her? The letter though… that's what did it. She told herself it was nothing… he didn't mean it.

She had her coffee and showered. When she got to work, Susan approached her in the lounge.

"Hey… We didn't really get a chance to talk about that letter…"

"Oh it's fine… it's better this way anyways." She forced a smile… inside she was dying. It's fine? It's' so far from fine…

"Abby he's probably just frustrated with the way things left… I mean he first came back you weren't exactly there to meet him with open arms…"

"That's reason enough for him to do this right? Look Susan… I'm fine… okay? Drop it." She rolled her eyes and slammed her locker shut... she mumbled something under her breath as she walked out of the lounge. Susan didn't dare talk to her for the rest of the day.

There were a series of traumas, but nothing out of the ordinary. A few MI's.. nothing too bad.

On her walk to the EL she saw s she was normally o many other couples. She was angry at how she felt... she was the one who usually did the heart-breaking.

Abby opened the door, and threw her coat and keys on the kitchen table. She had been thinking about this all day. She didn't know if she was going to go through with it or not… the last time she had even thought about this was the night he had promised never to leave her. It seemed a million years ago... but it wasnt even two. She looked at the bag with the bottle of cheap wine inside of it.

Again, it took her forever to get it out of the bag.

And again, it took her forever to open it.

And again, even longer to pour it.

She was sitting there just staring at the glass with the answer to her problems inside of it... or so she thought it was the answer. The reflection on the glass was not that of her face, but the time she had spent with him. It was like a slow movie. Okalahoma. The lockdown at the hospital… that first kiss. The two of them at the beach, talking about his theory or something. That morning with the Goo Goo Dolls playing. All of the talking and intimate moments they have had. And for some reason she kept laughing to herself about when him and Luka were fencing.. that made her laugh. She loved to see that he cared so much for her. She missed him much. It hurt just to think about him... and yet thinking of his face... his touch... was the only thing that kept her from going insane.

She went to bed without drinking anything. She thought he might be proud of her for that… she hoped at least. Hope was all that was keeping her together these days.

Little did she know, halfway around the world, the man she missed and loved so much was thinking most of the same thoughts as she was... and missed her quite alot as well.

**-----**

He lay awake. The woman next to him.. it wasn't quite the woman he wanted. He looked at her. She was quite beautiful.. but he couldn't get the images of Abby out of his head. Her face, her smile, her laugh.. everything she possesed was everything he needed.

The woman, Kem, opened up her eyes.

"Hey."

"Hey Ab--" He stopped talking.

"Ab.. what? John.. what were you going to say?"

He tried to think.. "Um ab--out those checks for the clinic.."

"You were going to say Abby, your friend from Chicago.. weren't you?"

He had always been a horrible liar. "Sorry.. I don't know what came over me. Lets go back to sleep." He gave his best "Sorry" look. Obviosly it didn't work.. she looked offended.

"No Carter. You've been distant for a while now.. whats going on?" She stood up and had her arms crossed.

"I don't know.. I'm away from my friends, family.. I havn't seen the people most imortant to me in over two months!" He knew by the look on her face he'd mest up.

"So what am I? Some random screw John? I thought.. we had something!" Her eyes were watering.

"We did! I mean -- we do. We do.. I think we do.. I don't know Kem.. I think I need to go home and sort things out.." He looked genuinely sorry.

"John.. I can tell you don't love me. You need to find out what you want."  
And with that, she walked out.

He thought about it for a while.. he didn't love Kem. At all. He quite liked her.. but nothing close to what he ever felt for Abby. He wasn't sure if he was still in love with Abby. Of corse he thought about her all the time, dreamed about her from time to time, wondered what things would have been like if he would have stayed sometimes.. Oh wow. What was he talking about? He loved her.. he loves her. He loves Abby.

Two days later he was on the plane back to Chicago.. back to her.

**-----**

He opened up the doors the the ER.

"Carter?" Susan popped up. She ran up to him. "Thank God you're not dead. What are you doing back?"

"I thought about things.. it was time. Hey.. is Abby on?"

"No.." she looked apprehensive. "She took a personal day." He started to walk out. "Carter.. not that it's any of my business.. but you hurt her. She's devestated.. I dont know if now is a good time."

"Susan I love her.. I have to go see her." The look in his eyes was sincere..

"Fine. She's at home." With that he left.

Abby came out of the lounge.

"Hey Susan.. whats wrong? You look like you just saw a ghost or something."

"Well.. I sortof did. Don't worry I made up some excuse like you were gone or something.. he looks like he misses you Abby.." She was looking for approval of what she did.

"What?" She sounded like she was talking about Carter.. Yeah right..

"Carter's back, Abby."


	2. Complicated

Susan told her not to go. She knew she shouldn't, but she did anyways. He was at her apartment right now.

She was pacing back and forth on the train, debating weather to go back to work. She got off a few times, but always hopped back on at the last second. Here it was. Her stop. She got off and walked the familiar route to her doorstep. She got there and.. no Carter. Her heart sank. But Susan said.. maybe he had decided to go back. Had Susan scared him away? She had the sudden urge to hit her very hard..

She was there, so she figured she'd go in and make some lunch. She reached for her spare key under the dormat.

Damn. It wasn't there. She panicked, but thern she thought.. Carter knew where she kept that key. Her heart started to race again. She was about to knock on the door when it opened. She knew he was inside, but it still scared her.

"John." She tried to sound cold, but she couldn't. Her voice was full of warmth. She missed him so much.

"Abby.. can we talk.. I know I've been horrible. I just.." He sounded nervous.

Her stare was hard to read. He took it as a sign to leave. He walked past her.

She finally got words out. "Wait.. we can.. want some coffee?" She smiled half-heartedly.

He was so relieved. "That would be nice." He followed her into the apartment.

-----

They sat at the kitchen table. It was silent for what seemed like hours, but was only mere minutes. She finally spoke.

"What are you doing here Carter?" She sounded irritable.

"Well.. things have changed. I've been thinking." He looked down and swirled his spoon in his coffee. She cocked her head to catch his stare. It worked.. it always worked. 

"What about?" She looked at him with such a sincerity and seriousness that he couldn't help but smile.

"Well.." he started to shift in his seat. They both knew that this was a sign of him being anxious. He tried to stop. "You."

"Me?"

"Yes. You.. I think about you all the time." His voice was calm and quiet. Hers was starting to get loud and angry. She stood up.

"Well I think – THOUGHT – About you too. You can't possibly expect.." She walked away. Infuriated. She couldn't take him back.. he had hurt her too much. She stood with her back to him, facing a window. Silent tears ran down her face.

She didn't hear him get up. It was an unusually sunny day, and the light from the window was warming her. He came up behind her and hugged her. She turned around and embraced him for a few moments. She looked up. His hand touched her face.

"I can't do this.. You should go" She went to walk away, but he grabbed her arm and kissed her. Whenever he kissed her she seemed to momentarily freeze. She loved it.. but she unfroze fast. She broke away.

He looked at her. He tried to read her.. but she was shut down. He had really hurt her..

"What was that.. momentary weakness I hope.. what about that girl.. _Kem_ is it?" She said "Kem" as if she were a dirty animal.. with utter disgust. She had the urge to mumble "Bitch" or "Home wrecker" to herself, but she fought it.. what if he heard? She didn't know her.. but she hated her. It' was amazing how much she hated her..

"That's.. complicated." He looked away.

"Complicated like.. she's over you so you came back for a rebound complicated? Or complicated like.. you just.." She broke off. She couldn't say it.. she might jinx it. Or worse, start to believe that he actually still loved her.

"Look Abby.. Kem and I are mostly over." He tried to muster up some confidence.

"Mostly Over?" She laughed.. but not in a good way. "Whats that supposed to mean?"

"It means.. What I meant to say was.." he saw her expression. She turned to walk away, but he again grabbed her arm. "We are over." His voice heightened in sound slightly. He was getting angry.

She whipped her arm out of his hand "So you think, " She looked at him as if he were crazy, "that you can just come here and expect it to be okay? You fell out of love with me and then back in again? What do you want John?" She started getting angry too.

"I want.." he couldn't form the words.

"Honestly.. it always seems to work like this.. I was just starting to forget. Now you're back.. and everything's coming back." He looked hopeful.. maybe she meant she still loved him. She read his expression "Not just the that stuff, but how you hurt me. You know it's hard for me to open up to anyone and I opened up to you.." She broke off. She was crying again. "Look I have to get back to work.. you can show yourself out right?"

He pleaded. "Abby wait."

She ignored him. She grabbed her coat.

"Ab -- " She slammed the door shut. He stood frozen until it occurred to him to follow her.

He went out the door right as she whipped out of site. He ran to catch her. They were on different ends of the block, so he screamed.

"YOU! IT'S ALWAYS YOU! I WANT YOU ABBY!" He ran to her. He was breathing heavily. "I love you."


	3. Almost

She stopped right where she was. He would always have the control over her.. she could never just leave it alone. She loved him too much. She turned around to look at him. He actually had tears coming down his face. This was only the third time she'd ever seen him cry.. he must love her. She walked towards him.

"Carter you know that.. I love you." The words were so soft, he only barely heard her. He looked up and his face glowed. Everything in her body was telling her just to hug him – to be with him. She was fighting it so hard. "But everything.. Kem.. you left me so quickly. How do I know that I wont be.. that you wont.." His expression turned back to sadness. "Like I've said.. you really hurt.. I just cant anymore. You lost me with that letter." She couldn't look at him, because she might do something stupid.. She turned to walk away.

He grabbed her arm. "Abby," he put her face into his hands.

"John don't.. please.." She shook him off and her eyes focused on his. This time he could read her. She was hurting.. he wanted to make that hurt go away. He also detected a little bit of confusion and a flick of anger.. he was surprised he could tell all of this from her eyes but.. he could see what she was thinking. He loved that so much.

"You have to trust me.. I need you to trust me. I needed time. I do love you.."

She cut him off. "I know I wasn't there for you when your grandmother died.. and I'm sorry.. but you promised.. you were becoming my constant.. I was miserable John.. everything was going wrong. Except for you.. you were there. Always. I needed that.. I didn't need anything.. all I needed was you." She'd never opened up to him like that before.

"I don't know what I was thinking.." He really didn't. He wanted to smack himself.. how could he have left the best thing he'd ever had?

They stared at each other. Abby finally spoke. "I guess it's best this way.. maybe we weren't meant to be? We're from two different worlds.. I'm nothing.. I've said it before.. if I were you I'd run.. and you do not want me to love you."

That pissed him off. "DON'T talk about yourself like that! How many times do I have to tell you.. you're NOT nothing! You're everything! You're smart, and beautiful, and at some times funny. I'VE said it before.. let me make the choice as to weather or not I love you. Not only do I love and need you, I want you. I want you more than anything.."

"And I want you too.. but I don't.."

"Don't you dare say you don't deserve me. Don't even. You do.. you deserve everything.. and so much more. It's me who doesn't deserve you, but I will fight for you Abby. I will. Forever." With that he kissed her.. but this kiss was different. It wasn't urgent and just a kiss.. it was like they were coming back together. Every emptiness she felt was suddenly filled. She didn't break away this time.. instead, she put her hand on the back of his head and deepened the kiss. They stood like this for a couple of minutes.. until he broke away. He saw her face. "Abby.."

She was crying. She never cried. At least rarely in front of him. She suddenly realized what had just happened.. "John.. what just happened? I can't handle this right now.."

"Well," He sighed, "I think.. and it's just a guess.. we just kissed. And I don't know about you, but I rather enjoyed it."

She laughed. That was, after all, his intention. Her face turned serious again. "What does this mean.. where are we?"

"Together." They kissed again. And again. And a few more times. They finally got into the Jeep. "Lets go get something to eat. Then.. who knows?"

They got back to the Carter "house".. some would say mansion.

"Wow." Abby said crossing her arms to keep herself warm. It was dark now and it had gotten cold. "It's been a long time.. I don't know if I should.."

"Come on. Lets go home." He took her hand. She smiled.. there were some butterflies in her belly. They had had dinner at a diner not far from her apartment, laughing and talking like they used to. They hadn't talked about the issue at hand, but there would be plenty of time for that tonight.

They talked as he entered the house. He stepped in first and stopped talking mid-sentence.

"Whats.." Oh no. Her stomach sank.. two black suitcases. She stumbled backwards.

There, on the couch in the den, was a short, medium-skinned woman with a look on her face like none other.. by the name Makemba.


	4. Holding Back

There was an awkward silence. It was Abby who broke it.

"I should go…" She staggered out of the door before Carter could say anything... she slammed the door and then he opened it.

"Abby wait -- I don't know… Just come back and we can talk!"

She put a hand up... but she didn't turn around. She kept walking. To afraid to cry, she tried to keep him out of her head.

He stood there and watched her walk away... he didn't know what to do. He loved her... but nevertheless he went back inside.

"John... what was that?" Kem actually had the nerve to sound upset.

"Do not start with me... you walked out."

"You flew back to Chicago over a stupid fight about your old girlfriend!" She was yelling. "When I walked out that night I didn't go far. You, however, flew halfway around the damn world. You didn't call or anything. I didn't know where the hell you were!"

"The fight helped me see something. You know what? You were right. I am in love with Abby. I was thinking about her that night."

Tears streamed down Kem's face... she couldn't look at him. He walked up to her and held her. He wiped away a tear with his thumb.

"I don't want to hurt you... and it may be selfish but I'm not in love with you. I'm sorry... I truly am... but I love her."

She embraced him for a second, but then pulled away; and, without saying anything, gathered her things and left.

-------

Abby sat up in her bed. How could she let this happen again? She thought about what Carter and Kem were doing right that second. She couldn't bear to think of Kem touching him… Carter was _hers_. She pictured his face. She looked at the clock… it was late. She had just fallen asleep when there was a pounding on the door.

She got up. She opened the door a bit, but she kept the chain in place. She slammed it when she saw who it was.

"Go back to her Carter. I'm ok."

"Abby open up the door." His voice was firm.

"What do you want?" She opened the door and stood in the doorway with her arms folded.

"Can we just talk?" He pleaded.

"What is there to talk about?" She walked out of the doorway and poured herself a cup of cold leftover coffee from that morning. The kitchen was still dark… she didn't bother to turn off the light. "She came back. Go to her. I will be ok." She said it with the tiniest bit of sarcasm.

"No. I don't want to be with her. I want to be with you."

She laughed. "Well… maybe you should've thought of that somewhere in-between the minutes of silence and me walking out… see _then_ it would have been a good time to tell me that. Now? Not so much. Just go home Carter… I really don't want to go through tonight again. I really, really don't." She took a drink of her coffee and set it on the counter. She stood with her arms folded, not daring to look at him because if she did... she might give in.

"Can I just have a cup of coffee? We can talk this out... I know we can…" He walked up to her and pulled her in. She froze for a second as she always did when he touched her, but the she pulled away.

"Get out." A tear escaped and ran down her face, but it was too dark for him to see.

"No Abby I'm not leaving you." He tried to hold her again.

She pushed away. "If you love me like you say you do… then you should know I don't need you to be here right now. Get _out_." He could tell she was holding tears back.

"This isn't over." He kissed her forehead. She turned away from him, and he walked out of the apartment. She put her back to the door and slowly fell against it, still holding back the tears.

On the other side of the door, Carter did the same thing. He, however, couldn't hold the tears back.


End file.
